Back in April, we had our pre-marital personality test. It's a test to tell the difference of our personalities in order to know the scenarios in our future life. After 2 weeks, our pastor called me, and requested a special meeting, just me.
He said he's worried about me very much. There're lots of concerns that are shown our test results. There're certain level of difference between different cultures and education. But Chris's and my personality test results are very extreme. Chris's not very talkative, not very outgoing, but he's very confident and happy. The shape of his result is almost perfect and ideal as an attractive man for most of girls. The positive point of his test result is 8.5/10, which is very high.
But my test result really shocked him. The pastor has known me for 6 years, and we have done ministry sometimes together for about 4 years. I'm always the talkative and happy person, but my test result is 1 out of 10, which means I have extreme level of lack of confidence and deep level of depression.
The pastor asked me if I had lots of pressure recently, Or any reason that I feel myself is not valuable? I pondered a bit and said, I think it's because I worked too hard the years before graduation. I worked in average 60hrs/week, and suffered a lot from the pressure of professors. So it's probably the reason that I was twisted. But the pastor asked me to think of some other reasons of making me depressive, because short term of pressure shouldn't cause such extreme result.
Therefore, I re-thought about it, and said, " I feel myself never fits in this world. I have never have a relationship that is not full of pain and betrayal. I feel myself is a failure. I exhausted myself all, but still have nobody would treat me seriously.
I don't think I have anything attracts Chris,so I struggled and not wanted to jump into the relationship that I assumed that it would be a failure again as before. But, this time, I don't understand why this grizzly bear is so stubborn that he would wait for my parents' admission to him patiently, and really hung in there and didn't hold my hands without my permission. At last, it was myself decided that I would try again, and held his hand when we were walking in the parking lot of Starbucks. He almost fell in the parking lot, and we became a couple after that.
Chris knows everything about me. He even joked that I am a UM Magnet (cuz Chris is from UM too). There were several times that I felt down when I talked about the past, and he would squeeze me and said, "you don't have to worry about it anymore. I will take care of you for the rest of our lives, and it will be just you and me." I always have a sour nose when he says so. Sometimes I really hate what had happened in the past, and I would scream in the car or get depressive. Chris has learned how to take care of my depression, and it really works because we love each other very much. I'm really fortunate to have him being supportive in my life. After several incidents, he had learned how to handle it when my depressions attack. He makes me learn how to really love again as well, and I'm brave enough to face my past.
I can't wait to squeeze him when he comes back from London tomorrow.
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